If you’re considering adoption, you may hear some terms or phrases when talking with family and friends that are outdated. The language around adoption has changed considerably over the years.
Some might call that part of the “political correctness” movement. However, the language has changed not just to avoid hurtful and even insulting terms but also to more accurately and positively reflect the relationships involved in adoption among both sets of parents and their child.
“Giving a child up” for adoption
The decision by both parents or by a single mother to let someone adopt their child was traditionally described as “giving them up,” whether they let a third party like a government agency take the child and then arrange for a foster and eventually an adoptive home for them or they chose adoptive parents themselves.
The preferred and often more accurate phrase now is “choosing an adoptive family.” It’s more descriptive of how the process tends to work, as most birth parents want to find the best possible home for a child they can’t raise themselves. Sometimes they work through an agency, and other times the adoptions are handled privately. Talking about choosing parents rather than giving up a child is also a more positive expression of circumstances when speaking with an adopted child.
The “real” parents
Even today, people often refer to an adopted child’s birth parents as their “real” parents rather than their birth parents. This can be highly confusing and even harmful to a child – perhaps especially if they have no memory of their birth mother and/or father.
With all of this said, whether you’re a birth parent or an adoptive parent, you have the right to choose what kind of “adoption language” is best for your family and especially your child. That means you have the right to correct those who use language you find inappropriate and hurtful. Generally, people don’t use outdated language out of malice. They simply don’t know any better.
Adoption can be a tense, extended and often frustrating experience for everyone involved. Having experienced legal guidance can help you understand what to expect, make the myriad decisions involved and navigate the process as smoothly as possible.